Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
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Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.