[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
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[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
this is me
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing