To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
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Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”