me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
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Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.