dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
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God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.