what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
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Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods