What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
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Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I am yelling
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”