Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
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When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Never forget.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.