Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
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AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.