The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
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Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.