Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
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As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.