People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
You Might Also Like
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.