I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
You Might Also Like
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.