Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
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i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera