The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
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Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
when there are deer in the woods
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.