Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
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My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.