I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
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Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
She was REALLY feeling it.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know