I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
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Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
A friend sent me this.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Love this one 😂🧟
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Time heals everything 🙂
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober