My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
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When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools