me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
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People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard