Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
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I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”