Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
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Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.