In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
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her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Grandmother clock.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake