Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
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Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.