Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
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Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I don’t think my car can fly
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo