If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
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In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts