Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
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waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
thank god
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀