Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
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A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Dietest Coke
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids