just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
You Might Also Like
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis