9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
You Might Also Like
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.