Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
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An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
You are what you delete.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
huge if true: the moon
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.