I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
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who did the taste test?
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Taliband
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?