Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
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What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.