All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
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GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.