1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
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My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Festive toon…
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is