Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
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I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*