Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 馃槒
Him: We all are…
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when you are just born a rebel
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that鈥檚 not even the worst thing about him.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i鈥攊 just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don鈥檛 tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I鈥檓 Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I鈥檓 the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
the battle rages on
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Celebrities are like we鈥檙e just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON鈥橳 HURT ME
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Him: You鈥檝e got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don鈥檛 have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don鈥檛. I mean you could, but you don鈥檛 hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.