If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
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*has no idea what a book even is*
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I wish I could veto my bills.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle