Just me and my debit card against the world
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what’s the point then??
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…