My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
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[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Breaking news:
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.