[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
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the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home