Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
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A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
This is me 🤣🤣
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.