Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
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Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt