MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
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According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
oh shit
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.