Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
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Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.