Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
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If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.