The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
You Might Also Like
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato