Des Moines Police having a normal one
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once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue