He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
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When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir