COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
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There is no “we” in pizza
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies